A day in my life...........as an ER nurse during a pandemic

Anyone that knows me- my regular Twitter peeps, know that I only blog about books! I love to talk books and I can not lie! Something else though is having a very profound effect on my ability to read, write, blog etc. My mind like much of the country is somewhere else. Go figure. Who knew we would ever see a pandemic like this...I never dreamed it when I enrolled in nursing school.

Everyone is scared, but I can't stress to you how crazy it is to be in healthcare right now. I am questioning my career choice. It started out as joking among the healthcare workers...oh my gosh people this is just like the flu. Nope wrong! We have never been more wrong. This shit is real.

I work in an ER. I have always worked in an ER. We see everything and we keep our cool. I can watch a person literally quit breathing in front of me, and completely keep my cool. You have to be calm when you are in this profession. Yet this has me rattled...I sit at the nurses station and listen to doctors- ER doctors that are phased by almost nothing. Talk about how they are having panic attacks in the middle of the night, how they feel short of breath, how they are scared...we all are...this is the new norm.

I go to work and I am surrounded by patients that are fighting for their life. Some have already tested positive and some are most certainly going to be positive. We put three patients on a ventilator within two hours...not normal people...this stuff is scary...and they are not all elderly.

A couple of months ago we were reprimanded by hospital administrators for wearing a mask out of a room into the nursing station. Reason being if that person coughed on us, etc that we can be carrying those germs. Now it is perfectly fine, even encouraged for me to wear that mask for...months??? Weeks??? Who knows...How gross is this? How dangerous is this? As a healthcare worker I am continuing to go to work each day...now wearing hospital issued scrubs and eyewear that I have bought. We have no bubble suit as you may see on tv. At what point do you step back as the healthcare worker and say...I can no longer risk my life and my family's life? I have not quite figured it out yet. What is the breaking point? As I am so exhausted and break into tears on a daily basis. As I feel myself start to get a cough. When is enough is enough for me? True I did sign up for this but I always thought in the United States of America, I would have proper protection. Wrong again. I would never dream that high risk patients would come in and refuse to wear a mask, refuse to cooperate and say "they don't give a damn if they spread it to me and my coworkers." Wrong again, it has happened. No kidding. People that do this are literally messing with our lives.

I feel so bad for my patients- the ones I know really aren't going to make it and they are all alone...no visitors allowed...I feel bad for every single one of them...so this is the new reality I guess....it is heart breaking. My heart goes out to everyone that has lost someone and is battling this...also my fellow healthcare workers...we are all in this together and I hope we all make it to the end. Rant done, I am exhausted...just as much as the world is......